


In which several homestuck characters become spies, friendships are built, and one main character *almost* dies

by CrazyB00kGirl



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Late Night Writing, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-06 13:36:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1107485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyB00kGirl/pseuds/CrazyB00kGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Karkat are spies that meet on a mission. At first, they think working together will be impossible, but after a while, will they become friends?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So it's pretty late at night, and I get to thinking, "what if some of my favorite homestuck characters were secret agents?" Of course I had to pull up my computer and start writing, and thus this atrocious mess was created. Please excuse the entire thing.

"Hey John, glad you made it back in one piece!" Dave shouts, running over to greet his friend and wrapping him in a hug.

"John?" John doesn't answer. He's staring blankly at the wall in front of him, desperately trying not to pass out. John Egbert has most definitely not made it back in one piece.

  


Days pass, and Dave still sits by John's bedside in the hospital. He hasn't woken up. The doctors said he might not ever wake up. Dave couldn't stand the thought of that.

On the fourth day, a stranger comes into John's hospital room. He says his name is Karkat, and that he's a friend of John's. Dave's never seen him before, but the name sounds familiar. _That's right, he's the guy who went out on that last mission with John._ Dave hates him instantly, for not bringing his friend back safely.

"Why couldn't it have been him?" Dave thinks, "Why did it have to be John?" However, he still lets Karkat take over watching John for a while, so he can go get some sleep or food or something.

Karkat sits by John's bedside, reaching out to take his hand.

"John, I'm sorry, this shouldn't have fucking happened. It shouldn't have been you. It's all my fucking fault. I'm sorry."

John's fingers twitch in response.

Karkat leaps up, yelling for a nurse, "He's waking up! His fingers twitched, he's waking up!"

Nurses and doctors come running down the hall, taking all sorts of measurements while Karkat is pushed out of the room. Outside, a man in a black jacket meets him.

"Karkat Vantas, I need you to come with me."

Karkat is seated in a dimly lit room across a table from the man in the black jacket. Of course, he doesn't even know why he's referring to him that way, seeing as most all people in the secret service wear some sort of black jacket. Oh well, it adds mystery to the plot, he supposes. Perpendicular to the table is a mirror, which Karkat knows is hiding more agents with lots of fancy equipment. He's been on the other side of that mirror many times, and he's been on this side before as well.

"So, Karkat, tell me, what exactly happened to get Mr. Egbert in this situation?"

"He got shot, sir. That's what happened."

"Yes, but how did he get shot?"

"Well sir, that's a rather long story."

"I've got a rather long time."


	2. Chapter 2

"It all started when I was called into Peixis's office a couple weeks ago. Said she had a new job for me. I figured I'd be working solo, like I usually do, but she said I was gonna have to man up because this mission called for a partner."

  
                                                                                                                                  


Feferi Peixis sat behind her desk, glaring coolly at the agent sitting in front of her.

"This isn't going to be your usual sort of job, Vantas. I need to know I can trust you to not screw things up."

"Yes Ma'am," Karkat responded, even though he knew it probably wasn't true.

"Oh, and one more thing. For this mission, you're going to need a partner."

_Fuck,_ he thought, _I just hope it's not Egbert. I've heard about him, and he's just too damn cheerful to make any kind of sense._

"I assume you've already picked someone out?"

"Yes, his name's John Egbert. I assume you've heard of him?"

_Mother. Fuck._

"Yeah, I've heard of him," Karkat sighed, standing up to head out the door, "Any other surprises you got for me?"

"No, that is all. I expect you to have checked in with both Captor and Serket by the end of the day, understand? You and Mr. Egbert leave tomorrow."

Karkat shrugged and left the room.

Karkat climbed into the elevator, wondering who to visit first. It all depended on which location John was least likely to be at. He knew John was pretty close with Serket, so he pressed the button for the fourth floor where he would find Sollux Captor.

"Karkat, good to thee you. And how are you doing thith fine morning?" Sollux spoke with his ever-present lisp.

"Same as usual, Sol, same as usual."

"Tho pretty awful then, I'm guething?"

Karkat nodded, and headed over to the table where Sollux was fiddling around with several gadgets.

"So, what have you got for me today?"

"Well, there'th thith new gun I've got that utheth energy inthtead of bullets, and..."

"Hold on there buddy, are you telling me I've got a motherfucking _laser gun_?"

"Well, yeth, of thorts. And there'th thith, which will inthtall a viruth onto any computer that will blow up the entire thystem. Like, literally blow it up. With fire."

Karkat picked up the gun and held it out in front of him, feeling its weight and size. Next, he picked up the tiny usb drive Sollux had been talking about.

"Why would I want to blow up a computer?" he asked.

"You never know," his friend answered. 

At that moment, the elevator doors dinged open, and John Egbert came skipping out.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Karkat muttered, "The fucker is _skipping._ I haven't seen anybody fucking skipping since fucking grade school."

"Sollux! Hi, how are you?" John said, wrapping the agent in a hug, "And you must be Karkat! It's great to meet you!"

He held out his hand for Karkat to shake, but Karkat simply turned and stalked out of the room.

Downstairs in briefing, Vriska Serket was running over the peramiters of the mission.

"And you are _not_ to kill him, under any circumstances, understand? You go out there, you get him, and you bring him back here in one piece."

"Yeah, yeah" Karkat shrugs, "I know the drill."

"Karkat, do you remember what happened last time? Ampora almost had your head on a plate! You can't just shoot someone because they annoy you, or whatever your stupid reasons are."

"Whatever."

"Anyways, this guy poses a major threat to the government. We don't know his name, but he goes by Lord English. Speaking of, you two are going to need to be undercover for parts of this mission. Your partner's name is Jake English, and you're Kankri Vengas. Got it?"

"What the fuck kind of name is Kankri?"

"The kind of name you'll be using for the next couple of weeks. Now shh, I'm still briefing you. As I was saying, this guy goes by Lord English, and this is his second in command, Jack Noir."

Karkat looked at the picture Vriska slid across the table. The shot was kind of blurry, but it was easy to make out his dark skin and the giant scar running down his face.

"Now, no one knows where English is, or even what he looks like. There is, however, one person who mught be able to help you. His sister."

"Of course it's his fucking sister," Karkat replied, "Where the fuck do we find her?"

"We have no idea. She's in hiding. But we do know her name. Calliope. Best of luck to you."

"Thanks."


	3. Chapter 3

"The next morning, they drove us out to the airport. The whole thing was kind of weird, I admit, but whatever. I work for the secret service, I expect some level of weird. Anyways, we get on this plane and fly like all the way to California, which is about six, seven hours away from here. I've got no idea why the fuck we're going to California, of all places, but Egbert seems to be down with it. I figure, why the hell not?"

"Hey Karkat! Are you excited to go to..." John paused talking as he looked at his plane ticket, "California? Oh, I've never been to California before! I'm excited! Are you excited? This is going to be so much fun!"

Karkat stopped walking and looked at John, "Listen, kid, I don't know if you were fucking dropped on your head as a baby or what, but you most certainly should not be getting this excited about taking a shitty plane to some shitty state that I don't give a fuck if you've been to or not."

"Oh, well, okay."

The two of them walked the rest of the way to the terminal in silence. Karkat looked around for any availible empty seat, hopefully one with no other open seats around. Unfortunately, most of the seats were open. Karkat stalked over to a chair where he could watch all the people. If there was one thing Karkat secretly loved, it was airports. He loved the atmosphere in them, and he loved watching all the people and trying to guess where they were headed. After sitting down, Karkat plugged in his headphones and turned the volume up. He was determined not to have his airport experience disrupted by his enthusiastic coworker.

"Oh, look, time to get on the plane!" John said, poking Karkat in the arm to break him out of his trance.

If there was one thing Karkat hated the most(and he hated a lot of things), it was airplanes. He had never really liked flying. He squished into the window seat with John right next to him, constantly blabbering about how much he loved airplanes. _Of course he loves airplanes,_ Karkat thought, _Just my luck._

By the time they had landed, Karkat was completely worn out from the flight. They had encountered some pretty bad turbulence about halfway through the flight, causing him to clutch at the armrests until his knuckles were white and his fingers were numb. And, to make the situation even better, John had noticed. And commented on it. Repeatedly.

"See Karkat, that wasn't too bad, was it?" John said as the two of them walked through the terminal to get their luggage.

Karkat grumbled something unintelligible in response, and quickened his pace. 

Getting their luggage and everything took a painfully long time, but they were finally getting checked into a hotel in San Francisco, California.

"Ah, hello, you must be Mr. English and Mr. Vengas. Ms. Peixis sent word ahead that you would be showing up. My name is Aradia Megido, but you can just call me Aradia. Feel free to let me know if you need anything at all!" The woman behind the desk greeted them as they came in. 

"Hmm, let's see. There you are, room number 314."

"And?" Karkat asked, because there was no way in hell he was going to share a room with Egbert.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the impression that the two of you would be sharing a room. We're all booked up right now, it was hard enough getting a room as it is."

_Well fuck,_ Karkat thought, _this trip just keeps getting better and better._

"Listen, Egbert," Karkat started once they had gotten everything into the suite, "I'm used to working alone. I don't know why the fuck Feferi sent you here with me, but I do know that if you get in my way, I will personally skin you alive. I don't need your fucking help, and I'm not particularly happy to have you here. Fuck, I'm not particularly happy to be here."

He turned to look at his partner, only to see him wearing a sad expression for the first time Karkat had ever seen.

"Woah, buddy, no need to take it all fucking personal. I'm just not a fan of people geting in the way of my work. I got a job, I need to get it done. That's all there is to it."

"Okay!" John perked up right away, "this is going to be so much fun! We're totally going to catch that bad guy in no time and then you can get back to your family or whatever it is that you miss back at home."

"Nothing. I don't have any family," Karkat mumbled, suddenly unsure of why he was saying this.

"No one? No wife, kids, siblings, parents?" John pushed, "What about friends? I'm sure you've got a lot of friends back home!"

Karkat just shook his head and sat down to rifle through the pages Vriska had given him before he left.

"No friends? Wow Karkat, if I had known..." John continued, sitting down next to him on the couch, "Well, I'll be your friend!"

"No."

"Aw, come on, please? I don't have any family either, you know. We could bond over that! Well, except I have my dad and my sister, Jade. Oh, Jade lives out here! We should visit her. Please?"

"Two words Egbert: Fuck. No."

"Okay, well anyways, we're going to be such good friends by the end of this trip. Then we can go back and hang out all the time and have movie night and do cool things like drink beer."

Karkat looked up from his papers and turned to face John, "Listen kid, this ain't no crappy buddy cop movie, okay? We're not going to get thrown into this shitty situation hating eachother and come out fucking bffs, okay?"

If only Karkat knew how wrong he would be.


	4. Chapter 4

"Egbert insisted we go visit his sister. I had no idea what the hell else we were supposed to do, since we had no idea where this guy was. So I figured, maybe she could help us get acquainted with the city or something. If we were going to find English, it might be helpful to know where we were."

  
"Please please please please please can we go visit Jade? It's not like we're really doing anything here anyways."

John and Karkat had been walking around the city for about two hours, and neither of them were really sure why. They were supposed to be looking for Calliope, Lord English, Jack Noir, or anything that would help them find those three. Unfortunately, the agency had been unable to provide any information as to their locations, and San Francisco proved to be larger than expected.

"Sure, why the fuck not?" Karkat sighed. It would at least be something to do.

"Awesome! She lives on this island, so we have to take a boat, but she owns the _whole_ island! How cool is that? Oh, you're okay with boats, right? Let me call her and she can probably pick us up in her boat. I'll be right back."

John went off to call his sister, and Karkat found himself watching the other agent go. He had to admit, John's cheerfulness was a little infectious. He was going to have to work hard to maintain his grumpy facade, lest he accidentally wind up sharing more personal details of his life like he had the night before.

"So it's all worked out. We gotta go to the harbor, but Jade will meet us there in a little bit! Turns out my cousin Jane's here too! We're going to get lunch here in the city but after that we can go back to the island. Sound good?" John said as soon as he had run back to where Karkat was waiting. He was bouncing on his heels from excitement, and as soon as Karkat muttered something in agreement he took off in the direction of the harbor.

So it turned out that Jade wasn't so bad. Her energy level was much lower than John's. The same could not be said for the mysterious cousin Jane. As soon as she and John saw eachother, they squealed and ran towards eachother for a hug. Jade walked over to the group much more calmly. She hugged her brother and then extended a hand to Karkat to shake.

"Hi, you must be Karkat. My brother's told me all about you. I'm Jade."

Karkat hesitantly reached out and shook her hand. Not moments later, he was engulfed in a hug from Jane.

"Hi, I'm Jane. I'm so excited to meet you!"

"Please get the fuck off me," Karkat grumbled, and John laughed.

"He's not much of a people person, coz. I wouldn't try to hug him if I were you."

"Oh, John, don't be silly. Everyone loves hugs!"

Eventually Karkat manged to disengage from John's overly enthuisastic cousin and the four of them wandered off to get some lunch.

After lunch, they went back to Jade's island. It was actually quite overgrown, but still nice. Karkat was pissed off in a major way. He had thought having Egbert around was bad enough, but with the combined energy of Jane as well, he felt as if his head was about to explode. The only sane one out of the three of them was Jade, and she was carrying a gun around.

"So this is just the forest, and my house is up on top of this hill," she informed them, carelessly waving around her rifle.

"Be careful with that," Karkat grumbled, "and why the fuck do you have a gun anyways? And you've got to be fucking kidding me about that being your house. This isn't a hill. It's a giant fucking mountain."

"Oh no, silly, we don't walk up there. I've got a lift." Jade pushed through a few trees, and sure enough there was a lift car and a track going up the mountain.

"Well isn't this fan-fucking-tastic."

"It's heights, isn't it?" John added from the back of the group, "That's why you were scared on the airplane. You're afraid of heights."

"Fuck no, Egbert. It's just that this thing doesn't look like it's passed a single fucking safety inspection. I don't want to fall off and fucking splatter all over the ground," Karkat lied.

"Don't worry, it's fun!" Jane clamored, jumping into the seat with Jade.

John climbed in and sat across from his sister and cousin.

"Come on Karkat, you'll be fine."

Karkat swore under his breath and climbed into the last seat of the car.

The ride up the mountain was slow, shakey, and not at all fun for Karkat. When they finally got to the top, he stumbled out as fast as he could.

"Oh, someone's texting me!" Jane said, pulling out her phone as she climbed out of the car.

"Is it Callie? Tell her I said hi." Jade answered.

"Wait. Callie?" Karkat whirled around, startled, "Is that by any chance short for something?"

"Um, yeah. Calliope, I think," Jane replied, typing something into her phone.

Karkat glanced at John only to find that John was already looking at him.

"How many "Calliope"s could there possibly be in this area?" Karkat asked his partner.

"Not a lot."

"Well fuck me," Karkat muttered, "Jane, we need Calliope to come here right away."

"No. She won't come. She's really secretive."

"Can you tell her we need to meet her?"

"I can give you her number if you promise not to tell anyone."

"Deal."

Turns out something good had come out of the day after all.


	5. Chapter 5

"By that point, I was just ready to be done with the whole damn thing. We found Calliope, she was going to help us track down her brother, the end. But it turned out not to be that easy. I guess these things never are."

"Has she texted you back yet?" John asked, leaning over Karkat's shoulder.

"For the last time, no," Karkat replied, frustrated.

"What if it's the wrong Callie? What if it's the wrong number? What if she doesn't want to help us?"

Karkat stood up and tossed his phone to John.

"You keep an eye on the goddamn phone. I'm going for a walk." He pulled on his coat and strode out the door.

By the time he got outside, Karkat was fuming. It had been a whole day since he'd gotten the number from Jane, and they still had heard nothing in reply. He had spent the whole time holed up in the suite with John, who kept blabbering about his life or friendship or whatever. Karkat was ready for a break. 

He walked a couple blocks down until he found a coffee shop. That sounded like a good idea. Coffee might keep him sane. So he went inside and bought a cup. He sat at one of the many tables and silently sipped his drink. After finishing the whole cup, Karkat decided he should go back and be sure John wasn't getting into any trouble. He paused for a minute at the door, then turned around and ordered a cup of coffee to bring back for the other agent.

"Karkat, you're back, good news!" John cried as soon as Karkat had opened the door.

"She texted back?" Karkat set the cup of coffee down on a counter and shuffled over to where John was sitting.

"Well, no, but you got a call from HQ. You know Kanaya, in profiling? Well she had been doing some research on these three and she might have figured out what some of these guys look like. Isn't that great? And once we get Callie to help us, everything will be a breeze! They're sending the files to your computer right now."

"You fucking answered my phone?" Karkat glared.

"Well, yeah, it was HQ calling. Anyways..."

"The fucker answered my phone," Karkat muttered to himself.

"Why does it matter, Karkat? It was just the office! And anyways, what was I supposed to do? Let it go to voicemail?" John was starting to get angry.

"Listen, kid..."

"No, you listen, _Karkat,_ " John interrupted, "I don't know why you keep calling me that, but I am not a kid! I never did anything to you, so I don't see why you hate me so much! All I've done this trip is try to help you. I thought we could be friends. That's why, when Feferi told me I would need a partner, I requested to work with _you_ of all people. I could have chosen to have one of my friends out here with me, but I chose you."

Karkat grabbed John by the front of his shirt.

"This goddamn mess is your fucking fault?" he growled.

Karkat's phone chose that exact moment to emit the text message sound. He shoved John away from him and picked up his phone. He looked at the screen then turned to John.

"It's Callie. You coming?"

  
The mysterious Calliope turned out to be harder to find than was expected. She had told them to meet her at a bar called Doc Scratch on the east side of town. However, anyone they asked for directions had no idea where the place was.

Eventually they found it, nestled in between a laundromat and a 24 hour drug store. Inside, they looked around for anyone who might be the girl they were looking for. Fortunately, there was only one other person in the entire bar: a girl in the back playing pool. She wore a long green dress and a red bow in her short blonde hair.

"You're late," she told them, once they had walked over to where she was playing.

"You didn't exactly make yourself easy to find," Karkat countered.

"Hm, I suppose that's right, Karkat."

"I didn't tell you my name."

"No need to. I know all about you and your partner over there," she nodded towards where John was waiting a short distance away.

"Well that's not really fucking creepy."

"I'd watch your mouth, mister. I don't have to tell you anything if I don't want to. In fact, maybe your partner should do all the talking. He seems nicer."

"Hi, um, Calliope. I'm John," he said, coming over to shake her hand.

"Well, John, what is it you'd like to know?"

Karkat glared at them and went to go sit at the bar. He was done hearing their conversation. 

After a few minutes, both Callie and John were noticeably more animated and happy then they had been before. The two of them were talking like old friends.

"Hey Karkat," John bounced over, "time to go. I've got everything we need to know."

Karkat stood up and shoved past him out the door.

"Bye, Callie!" John called behind them, "See you soon!"


	6. Chapter 6

"Calliope had told John that Jack Noir had some big thing at one of the office buildings in the city the next day. Her description combined with Kanaya's profile allowed us to pick him out pretty easily. From there it should have been a breeze to track him down."

"Is that one him?" John asked, peering through his binoculars at the entrance to the office.

"That guy is fucking blond. How can that be him?"

"No, not him, that other guy, behind him," John pointed, and sure enough a man who matched their profile was slinking out of the building, hiding behind the blond guy. Karkat dropped his binoculars and climbed down the fire escape of the building they had been hiding on top of. He pulled his gun out of it's holster and prepared to run after Jack Noir.

"Drop your weapon," a voice growled, and Karkat felt the barrel of a gun pressed against the back of his head. The safety clicked off. Karkat evaluated his options. John was still on top of the building, probably watching Jack's progress through the city so that he could direct Karkat. Calling for help would almost certainly lead to a bullet in the head. He might be able to take down his attacker, but that was risky. Then, of course, there was the last option. He could comply and hope that he was lead to Lord English's headquarters.

Before he could react, he heard an oof from the man behind him and felt the gun no longer pointed at his head. Karkat spun around and kicked the gun out of his attacker's hands. The man was about 30 years old, with wild hair and a crazed look in his eyes. John was standing behind him with his gun out and aimed at the man. Karkat put his foot against the man's throat and pointed his own gun at the man's head head.

"What's your name?" Karkat snarled.

"Honk honk, motherfuckers," the man replied.

"Does this look like a fucking joke to you?" Karkat pushed his foot farther against the man's throat, cutting off his air.

"Karkat, we can't just kill him," John protested.

"Why the fuck not?"

"He might be able to help us."

Suddenly, the man was no longer under Karkat's foot but instead running down the alleyway.

"Shit, he got away," Karkat grumbled, "I'll go after him, you go after Jack, okay?"

"Not necessary," John replied, "I slipped a tracker on him when I took him down. One of those new gadgets from Sollux. I'll play lookout while you take down Jack."

Karkat took off running through the city towards where they had last seen Jack Noir. He was a little pleased to see that he was annoying lots of citizens as he pushed and shoved past them in the busy city streets. The encounter in the alley had wasted precious minutes, and Karkat was furious. And now, even though they'd be able to track the man, he was still going to report back to his boss that they were on his tail.

"Karkat," John's voice crackled over the speaker in his ear, "turn left up here and head towards the piers. You've almost caught up to him, but I think he's figured out you're on his tail. It's getting hard to see you guys. I'm going to have to move. I'll get back to you ASAP."

Karkat turned the corner as instructed, and saw the crowd part up ahead as Jack ran by. He tried to catch up, but the crowd always seemed to be closing on him right as he reached it. Suddenly, he saw Jack turn down one of the piers towards a waiting ferry. Karkat sprinted, feeling every footfall pounding all the way up to his skull. The ferry was departing. Jack was getting away. At the last moment, Karkat jumped, landing on the ferry. He could no longer see where Jack was, but at least they were in the same confined area.

"I'm back, but I can't see either of you," John's voice surprised Karkat, "Wait a minute... are you on that boat?"

"Yeah, sort of..." Karkat replied, "But I've lost the motherfucker. I know he's got to be here somewhere."

"Okay, well, I'll try to find out where it's headed and meet you there. Do you know what pier you left from?"

"Um... two I think."

"On it."

Karkat paced around the ship, checking every open room for signs of Noir.

"I would think twice about following someone like me in the future," a voice grumbled from behind him. Karkat barely had time to move out of the way before a knife stabbed at where he was just standing.

"I would really think twice about bringing a knife to a gun fight in the future," Karkat replied as he turned around and pointed his gun at Jack Noir.

"Don't have to." 

Jack threw the knife. It hit Karkat in the square in the shoulder and Jack ran out of the room before he could squeeze off a shot. Karkat chased him back up through the throngs of people to the open deck. Jack jumped over the side into the water, and Karkat followed right after. He splashed about in the water for a moment, disoriented. In the meantime, Jack had pushed a person off of a small motorboat and taken off in the opposite direction. Karkat ignored the throbbing pain in his shoulder from where the knife was still embedded and paddled to a nerby boater.

"CIA. I need this." Karkat climbed out of the water and into the boat. The man inside looked shocked, so Karkat shoved him into the water(as nicely as possible). He turned the boat around and sped off towards the rapidly escaping Jack Noir. Jack turned and, upon seeing Karkat's approach, pulled out a gun and fired off a few shots in his general direction. However, it proved hard to steer and shoot at the same time and Jack only narrowly avoided running into a large party boat. Karkat took the opportunity to return the gun fire with a few shots of his own. Unable to tell whether or not any of the shots had hit their target, Karkat cursed under his breath. There were too many goddamned citizens in the way for him to be able to aim well enough, even with Sollux's fancy laser gun. 

"Karkat? What's happening? I heard gunshots..." John's voice crackled to life.

"Fuck off," Karkat replied, trying to get one more shot at Jack Noir before the party boat came between them. The shot hit somewhere on Jack's person, but Karkat was unable to tell if it was fatal before the boat got in the way.

"Duuudddeee, what's up?" A drunk partygoer called down from the top of the boat, "You've got something in your shoulder, man."

Suddenly, the man toppled over the side of the boat and hit the water with a splash, a pool of red surrounding him. Jack was obviously not playing by the "no civilian casualties" rule. Karkat was finally able to steer around the side of the party boat, but Jack was nowhere in sight.

"Fuck," Karkat cursed.

"Kar?" John's voice was no comfort to the enfuriated agent.

"I lost him."

"It's okay. Where are you? We should meet back up, figure out what to do next."

"Well I'm not on the ferry anymore."

"Did you already reach the dock?"

"Not exactly. I jumped off after Jack. Listen, I'll just meet you back at the hotel or something, okay?"

"Okay."


	7. Chapter 7

"So yeah, I got a little hurt. But that didn't really matter. We had the tracker, I'd gotten one good shot in on Jack, the cards were in our favor."

"Oh my God, Karkat, are you okay?" John gasped when he got back to their hotel room and saw his friend angrily trying to yank a knife out of his shoulder.

"The fucker threw a fucking knife and it got me in the fucking shoulder," Karkat muttered through gritted teeth.

"Let me help you with that." John made Karkat sit down on the edge of the bathtub and peeled away his shirt, wet with a mix of seawater and blood.

"This looks bad. I think you might need stitches."

"Good thing I know how to do my own fucking stitches then," Karkat hissed as John examined the wound.

John looked up into Karkat's eyes, concerned, "you don't want to go to the hospital? And have you been drinking?"

Karkat felt suddenly self concious, "yeah, well, I never really liked hospitals. And the alcohol numbs the pain."

"Okay. I'm going to pull this knife out. It's going to hurt like hell, so I'm going to do it on the count of three, okay?"

Karkat nodded, and John started counting.

" _MOTHER FUCK,"_ Karkat screamed as John pulled out the knife.

"There. The worst is over. Are you sure you want to do the stitches yourself?"

Karkat nodded, and stood to go get his first aid kit from the counter, but John stopped him with a hand on his chest.

"Let me get it. Sit back down."

Karkat sat back down, but not before managing to get a hold of the bottle of whisky he'd been drinking from. He shot back another sip and poured the last of the bottle over his shoulder.

"Damn, that stings," he grumbled while John threaded the needle.

"You know, I've never done this before, but I can try to do the stitches for you," John said.

"You sure, kid?" Karkat looked at the other agent incredulously.

"Yeah, I mean, I can sew regularly, so how hard can this be?"

"Okay, go crazy."

An excruciating half hour later, Karkat had a messy set of stitches binding up the gash in his shoulder.

"Sorry. I didn't do very good, did I?" John mumbled nervously, looking up at Karkat.

"No, it's okay," Karkat stared into the other agent's eyes. He felt strange: conflicted, and a little wistful, but mostly something that could only be described as warm. John made him feel warm. It was comforting to know John was there next to him, comforting to know someone was looking after him.

"John?"

"Yes Karkat?"

"Why are your eyes so pretty?"

"Huh?"

"Your eyes. They're sparkly. And blue like the sky. So pretty."

"Um, thanks? Are you feeling okay? I think you had a little too much of that alcohol."

"I had _all_ the alcohol," Karkat slurred, the gasped, "Oops! I didn't save any for you... I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I don't drink anyways."

Karkat found himself looking at the other agent's mouth as he talked. The way his lips moved around the words was fascinating, and he wondered what it would be like to kiss John. He imagined it would be warm. Warm like John made him feel, warm like the alcohol after it burned down his throat.

"John?"

"Yes Karkat?"

"Can I kiss you?"

John almost jumped back in surprise. This was pretty much the most absurd statement he had ever heard out of Karkat's mouth, and Karkat had some pretty creative swears. Yet, there was something there. Something about this drunk Karkat, and sometimes even sober Karkat, that was strangely endearing. 

"You're drunk, Karkat."

"I'm not _that_ drunk. Just a little, maybe."

"If you were sober, would you be asking me that?"

Karkat didn't say anything in reply, just cupped the other agent's face in both his hands and pulled him in for a kiss. Though he was startled at first he didn't pull away. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Karkat's waist and pulled him closer.

"John?" Karkat asked when they broke away.

"Yes Karkat?"

"You taste like toothpaste."

"Um, thanks?"

"I'm going to forget this, aren't I?"

"Probably."

"I don't want to. I like you. You're cute."

"I like you too, Karkat. Now you should go lay down and get some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Okay."

Karkat woke up with a killer headache and a throbbing shoulder. On his bedside table, he noticed that John had left him a glass of water and two asprin, as well as a note saying he was out to get breakfast. Karkat tried to sit up, but that hurt his head even more. Instead, he pushed himself up just enough to swallow the asprin with the water and then laid back down. He was massively hungover, but he remembered _something_ important had happened while he was drunk. He just couldn't remember what it was.

After a while, the door creaked open slowly. John padded in, carrying a bag of food.

"Hey, you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit."

"I can imagine. You were prety drunk last night. Do you remember anything?"

"Aw fuck, that's never a good question to hear. What did I do?"

"Um, a lot. Kind of. Except also not a lot," John looked away, a red flush spreading over his face.

"Well shit, I did something really fucking embarrasing didn't I?" Karkat groaned and flopped the pillow over his head.

"That depends," John proceeded slowly, "On your definition of embarrasing."

"Did I strip naked and run through the streets singing fucking kumbaya or some shit?"

John laughed, "No, nothing like that. If you had, I think you would be waking up in a jail cell, not a hotel room."

"Well that's good, at least. But seriously, just tell me what the fuck I did so I can properly apologize for my inebriated behavior."

"It doesn't matter. Anyways, I brought you a bagel. I hope that's okay?" John walked over and set the bag down on Karkat's bedside table.

"That's fine. Listen, John, sit down a minute."

John carefully perched on the edge of Karkat's bed, and he continued, "I really appreciate what you're trying to do. At least, what I think you're trying to do. Or... Fuck, I don't know. You've just been really nice to me so far, and you're doing all these nice things like bringing me breakfast, and I was probably a total jerk to you last night..."

John cut him off before he could finish, "Karkat, it's okay. I understand. I think. And you were most definitely not a jerk last night. I think you were probably the nicest I've ever seen you. It's okay. I promise."

Karkat looked into the piercing blue eyes of his unexpected friend. Suddenly, he remembered.

"Oh my God. John?"

"Yes, Karkat?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but did I _kiss you_?"

"Um, yes."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Um, yes?"

And with that, Karkat pulled John down on top of him and kissed him again.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, all of the street names I used are actual streets in San Francisco. Believe me. I live there.

"After that, we figured we should probably follow that guy from the alleyway. We weren't positive he'd lead us to Lord English, but it was as good a place as any to start."

"Hmm, Karkat?" John looked up from the map he had been holding in his hands.

"Yeah John?"

"Do you have any idea where we're going?"

"Fuck no, I thought you were the one who knew the directions."

"Ummm, no. This map doesn't make any sense! There's just random words witten all over it."

Karkat took the map from John and looked it over. 

"Where are the random words?"

"Look, here," John pointed at the map, "Battery. And there's Lick. And this one says Clay. Is it some sort of code?"

"No, you dork. Those are street names."

"Ohh. Well those are some pretty weird street names, huh?"

Karkat chuckled, "Hey look, this one's called Egbert Avenue."

"No way, that's me!" John replied, taking back the map to figure out where they were.

"This street or the next one?" Karkat asked, putting a careful hand on John's shoulder to get his attention.

"Hmm? Oh, the next one, I think. Then we should be there."

The two of them had spent the better part of the day back at the hotel, but the past couple of hours they had devoted to racking down the strange man they'd ran into in the alleyway. Several times throughout their walk, John had brushed his arm against Karkat's, or entwined their fingers, or something of the sort. Although Karkat hated to be cliche, he had to admit it did sort of feel like sparks every time. He could get used to this.

"We're here." John double checked his map to be sure they were at the place they'd marked back at the hotel when they were getting ready to leave.

"I guess we should try to find a spot across the street to check it out," Karkat answered.

The building directly across from where Lord English would hopefully be, appeared to be abandoned. The windows and doors of the three story office building were borded up, and no light filtered out into the evening air. Of course, that was pretty much the way most of the buildings and tall houses along the dark street looked. All of them old, most overgrown. Somewhere, a dog barked, and John jumped. 

"Hey, chill out ya fucking spaz," Karkat sighed, squeezing the other agent's hand for comfort.

"Sorry, that just startled me."

John and Karkat crept around the building until they found a good window from which they could easily keep a watch on the house across the street. It was late now. The sun had set fast, and there was barely enough light to see each other in the cold of the decripit office building, let alone the house across the street.

Suddenly, John gasped, "Did you hear that?"

Karkat froze. Was someone in their building? He knew he would protect John at all costs, no matter what.

"No, not here. There." John said when he saw Karkat's muscles tense, pointing across the street.

Karkat looked out the window, into the yard of the house. He could barely make it out, but a dark figure was moving around outside. A light flicked on- from a lighter, Karkat realized. The figure lifted the lighter to his face to light a cigarette, and in it's dim light Karkat could see that it was Jack Noir.

"Jack," he whispered.

"So we do have the right place? Should we go check it out?"

"One of us probably should. I'll go. You stay here and keep lookout, okay?"

"Karkat, you're still hurt. I should go. You stay here," John answered, concerned.

"No, John, seriously. Let me do this. I'll be fine, and I..." Karkat paused, choosing his next words carefully, "I don't think I could live with myself if I got you hurt."

"Okay."

The back of the house seemed dark and unguarded, which instantly put Karkat on alert. If Lord English really was hiding out inside, wouldn't he have more people watching the house? Karkat reached out a hand and gently pushed the back door. It swung open with ease. There was no one inside the room and all the lights were off, but the glow of a laptop screen dimly illuminated the room. This was all too easy for his liking. 

Karkat took a tentative step inside, flinching for the alarm he was sure he'd hear. Nothing. He examined the walls, looking for a camera or something. Nothing. He carefully walked over to the laptop. Still, nothing was happening. Karkat was sure that if Lord English or his crew didn't kill him, the suspense would. This was so unlike any "terrorist" he'd ever faced before.

It took Karkat a minute to figure out what he was seeing on the laptop's screen. Blueprints, of the CIA Alternia branch where he worked. His building,  marked with every enterance, exit, guard post, camera, anything security related. This would have to go. Karkat examined the laptop and the counter it was sitting on to see if he could just... take it. No such luck. There was a thin pressure pad stuck on the counter under the computer. Lifting the computer would mean setting off a million alarms and possibly exploding. 

Exploding. Karkat suddenly remembered the flash drive Sollux had given him back at HQ. The one that would blow up the computer "Like, literally blow it up. With fire," to quote his friend. Karkat reached inside his jacket pocket, hoping it was still there. Luckily, it was. He carefully plugged the flash drive into the computer, and the screen flashed with the words "installing mobius double reacharound." Whatever the fuck that meant.

"Honk honk, motherfucker," the man from the alleyway was suddenly behind Karkat, pressing a gun to his head. Again. God damn it. That motherfucker was quiet.

Karkat didn't turn, but instead watched the computer screen. It finished installing and a clock appeared, running down rapidly.

10.

Karkat spun around and knocked the gun out of the man's hand.

9.

The man grabbed Karkat by his collar and snarled.

8.

Karkat needed to get out of there.

7.

NOW.

6.

He shoved the stranger away.

5.

Karkat ran for the door.

4.

Just before sprinting out of the house, Karkat turned to look back inside.

3.

A hulking shape loomed in the doorway to the rest of the house. Larger than any man Karkat had ever seen.

2.

The man turned and saw Karkat watching him.

1.

Karkat spun around and ran.

0.

The whole building exploded, throwing Karkat away from the house. He blacked out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, FINALS ARE OVER!!! And that means I should be finishing up the last chapter in about a week(hopefully), but there's some crazy drama going down with my group at school that's getting really serious, so there might be some delays. On another note, I really need your help with what to write next so pretty pretty please with sprinkles on top send me your ideas!!! Any fandom or prompt, I don't care. I WILL JOIN YOUR FANDOM TO HAVE SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT. SERIOUSLY. That's all for now. Have a great day, and lots of love-Em.

"Right around then must have been when you guys showed up. Said we were done, we could go. So we packed up our stuff and came back. That's when John go shot."

                                                                                                                            

"Karkat?" John gently shook the other agent's shoulder. He had seen the explosion from his viewpoint across the street- it was impossible not to- and immediately run over to look for Karkat.

"Mmmphhh," Karkat groaned, pushing himself up off the ground with his good arm.

"Listen, Kar, I called for backup. Equius and his team are going to be here any minute now; turns out they were waiting really close by. We just need to get up and get away from here as quickly as possible."

Karkat just stared blankly at him.

"Karkat? Can you hear me?"

                                                                                                                            

John was saying something, but Karkat couldn't make out the words. The explosion had pretty well knocked out his hearing, at least for the time being. He understood the gist of the message, though, thanks to the fact that John talked with his hands a lot. He stood up shakily, leaning on John. John staggered a little under his weight, but the two of them managed to move far enough away from the site of the explosion to be considered safe.

“We should probably head back to the hotel as soon as you’re able,” John wrote out on the back of the map and showed it to his friend. Karkat nodded, and the two of them started walking.

Back at their hotel, Eridan Ampora was already waiting for them.

“Ah, fuck,” Karkat grumbled, “He’s gonna be pissed that I blew up everyone, isn’t he?”

Karkat’s hearing had started to return, so he was able to hear John’s mumbled, “yeah, he really hates you.”

“Ah, Vantas, there you are,” Eridan sauntered over to the two agents, glaring at Karkat, “messing up the mission again, I see.”

“Sorry, sir, it actually was necessary this time,  though.”

“Hmph. Well, I’m sending you two on the first plane back to DC. You’ve made enough of a mess already. I don’t want you sticking around to do anymore damage.”

The plane ride back was long and quiet. Neither Karkat nor John quite knew what to say.

“I’m sorry for messing up your mission,” Karkat finally ventured as the plane began its descent.

“No, you did nothing wrong,” John answered. He hesitantly reached over to where Karkat’s hand was on the armrest and entwined their fingers. When Karkat squeezed his hand in response, John smiled.

“You know, even with all that’s gone wrong, I really think everything’s going to be okay, K.”

Karkat looked down at their hands, then met John’s piercing blue eyes, “Me too, John. Me too.”

The events that occured after they got off the plane were something of a blur to Karkat. He remembered going through the airport, and vaugly remembered hailing a taxicab. They drove as far as the taxi could take them, paid, and got out. John wanted to go see his friend, Dave, right away. Karkat needed to check in with Dr. Leijon. The two of them parted ways, promising to meet up later. Karkat walked into the hospital. As one of the nurses finished up giving him some proper stitche, an orderly ran into the room and whispered something. Karkat only caught two words, but they were enough. _Egbert. Gunshot._

Karkat stood up, pushing past the doctors and orderlies trying to block his path. One of them injected him with something. He blacked out.

  
                                                                                                                                                 


When Karkat finally woke up, it was later. Much later. The commotion had all died down, but he was trapped in the room, strapped down to the bed. He started yelling, screaming to find out what happened to his friend. A doctor came in and injected more serum into his arm.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of an Epilogue, really...

"You know what? This is bullshit. I've had enough of you and your fucking questions. I'm going back to the hospital to see John." Karkat angrily pushes back his chair and stands up.

"If you leave now, we might have to terminate your contract with the agency."

"You know what, mysterious investigator person? Fuck that. Fuck you, fuck this job, fuck everything. And Terezi, I know you're behind that mirror. Listen to me, here's what happened. I saw a threat, and I eliminated it. That's all. So fuck off." 

Karkat shoves his way out of the room and runs off towards the hospital. Inside John's room, Dave is again sitting by the bedside.

"Sorry about that. Fucking legislations," Karkat mumbles, taking the chair opposite Dave, "how is he?"

"He's awake, but sleeping now. He's gonna be okay, no thanks to you," Dave glares at him.

"I'm sorry. I don't even know what happened. We got here okay, and then..." Karkat gestures wildly.

"You really don't know what happened?" When Karkat shakes his head, Dave continues,"He was coming around to the front entrance. Some fucking clown asshole showed up out of nowhere and shot him. Simple as that."

"Wait, clown guy?" Karkat thinks back to the man from the alleyway and the house, "was he possibly wearing purple and saying 'honk' a lot?"

"Yeah, they've got him down in holding now. Only guy that survived your crazy explosion. Good job with that, by the way."

"But why the hell hasn't he _died_ already?"

"No idea, man."

They sit in silence for a while longer, until John starts to wake up again. Both of them are surprised when the first word out of John's mouth is, "Karkat?"

"Yeah, John?"

"You okay?"

"Right as rain. How are you feeling? I heard you took a bullet to the gut."

Dave stands up awkwardly, clearing his throat, "I guess I'll just leave you two alone for a bit."

John starts to protest, but Dave's already out of the room.

"So, how are you _really_ feeling?" Karkat asks.

"They say I'm not going to be able to do field work anymore. They're giving me two choices- a desk job or discharge."

"And?"

"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk. But if I leave, I won't be able to see you here everyday."

"Well then, my bad news isn't so bad after all. I think I'm fired."

John laughs softly, "I knew it would happen sooner or later. So what next?"

"I was thinking we could move. Both of us. Get a nice place, somewhere sunny. Maybe San Francisco?"

John's face erupts into a full-blown grin. Yes, things really are going to tun out all right in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah. Woah. Did I actually finish the last chapter AND this epilogue in one night? Radical! Except... Now it's over... And it feels kind of weird, even though I haven't been working on it for that long. But there's not that nagging feeling in the back of my head anymore. Well, I hope you all have enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Lots of Love, Em.


End file.
